First Time Experience

Although everything that's happened has been my first experience to having my own child, everything Kayla goes through is her first time too.

I often think, when she's being very inquisitive about things, that she's seeing (most) things for the first time and even if she's seen these things before, she's still learning about them and always shows the same marvel than the first time. It's amazing how much a baby's brain has to take in, especially in the first year, when they have to learn so much, how much they observe every detail of something they're holding, things we don't even pay any attention to. When she started observing things, she'd see a tiny little spec on the floor and go touch it with her finger, something I wouldn't have seen even sitting there on the floor with her! They have to learn to grab something, which isn't very easy in the beginning, Kayla used to concentrate so hard her whole face showed it and even her breathing changed. Then they need to roll over, sit up, stand, talk, understand what we're saying, learn to concentrate, walk, although some babies don't do all of this before they're one, it still is something they need to achieve and that we just take for granted. Every little accomplishment is great to watch.

I am so grateful for the bright shining star I have, I know a lot of babies are born with disabilities and most parents love their babies all the same and don't want people feeling sorry for them, because it doesn't make them less happy, our children are always our children no matter what happens, I admire these parents who have all the hardships of going to doctors and doing everything in their power to make their children happy and as healthy as possible.

I saw a documentary about Feral Children, children who were brought up by animals or who's parents locked them in a room with no love or attention, leaving them to grow by themselves (or with a brother or sister). The saddest to me are the children who are locked up, especially if they're locked up without any brother or sister, they can't see what it's like outside, they don't learn how to speak or they have very poor speech, their bodies look like the bodies of children maybe 5 years younger, etc, it's heartbreaking! Although the stories of children brought up by animals are also sad, they have had the love of the animals, who cared for them and defended them. What I learned about this is that there is a window that children learn certain things, so if they're not taught to speak at the right time, their speech will never be very good or they might not be able to learn how to speak at all, because they missed that window, which applies to other things as well like walking and even learning how to socialize. I's very difficult for these children to relate to other human beings and they might never be able to learn this because they missed that window. These stories make me remember that I'm between the most blessed people in the world, I've got so much to be grateful for, especially my little star.

There are people out there that have good lives, great children, great jobs, great friends, but they still feel depressed and empty, these people shouldn't be criticized because of their feelings, they shouldn't be put down for having it all and feeling like they do, they're not bad people for what they feel, what these people need is love and preferably professional help, to help them cope with what they're going through, they need to get help before they end up doing something they can't take back. I'm writing this because I don't know who reads my blog, so I don't want people to think I've got it all and am grateful and happy, why can't they be, everyone is different and reacts differently to life, most times we can't help what we're feeling, but we can try and do something about it.

Some people, like myself, before we have our own children, already "know" how we're going to raise our children, we might say "Oh, I'll never do this" or "This is how I'm going to do things" or even "I would never do what that person does", but when we're faced with these situations everything changes. I used to say I would spank my child if she/he were naughty, now after all I've read I don't think that's the way to go, I also said I wasn't going to put her in dresses all the time and always dress her in pink especially because I don't believe in stereotypes, just because she's a girl doesn't mean we can't play rough and can't dress her in blue or dress her in "boy" clothes, of course I don't only dress her in dresses and pink clothes, but most times I think I do and she looks so adorable! Maybe there are more things I used to say that I do differently now, but at the moment that's all I remember... Also I didn’t think about things so deeply before Kayla came along, I thought of my future and my dreams and what I wanted, but it's not the same now. Now my dreams had to change and I think of her future, and our future as a family, I think of getting a house with place for her to play and that will be something we can pass down to her one day, I think of her welfare, thinking of things in the long-run... I think I think too much!

A funny thing happened the other day... When Kayla saw herself in the mirror for the first time, obviously she didn't know it was herself she was looking at, when she got used to the "other person" she was looking at, she used to love it, saying "baby, baby, baby, baby..." all the time. After a while she realized that was her and she still likes looking at herself, maybe because she's still learning what she looks like. Well, the other day I put her little pink and white flower dress on and her bandana, she wouldn't leave the bandana on, so I thought I'd try showing her how it looked on her head, and it worked! She left it on for most of the day! It's another thing she learned in this one year, style! Hehe! I'd like her to learn how to look after herself, both physically and mentally, she doesn't have to look perfect and dress how people want her to. The most important is I want her to learn that you can't read a book by its cover, looks can be important because they give out the first impression about someone, but that's not how we should see people, you can't make up your mind about someone just by looking at them.

Children are like sponges, they take in and imitate everything they see. I wrote in my last post how she shakes and then tries to open a packet of sugar, another thing she imitates is dunking her biscuit in a cup, she doesn't know we dunk it in what's in the cup, but she sees we dunk it and tries to do it even if the cup is empty, usually she lets her biscuit go and we have to go "rescue" it for her. They also imitate how we react to things, we don't hit her so she's learning not to hit, it is a faze all babies go through, but if we teach them it's not right, they'll learn eventually that it's not right. I can't say how she'll be later on when she's grown a little and has a brother or/and sister, but we're doing our best to give her a good example. She also imitates us when we pull faces, then she'll also pull the same face back to us and making sounds. It's so difficult to teach your child good values, being the sponges they are, like I always say, I try to do my best and take one step at a time, I have to give her space too, so she can become her own person and I must remember, it's her life, she can't live out my dreams, she has to live out her own dreams.

I used to say I want 10 children, then I changed it to 5, in the hospital I said there were NO MORE! But I would like to have more, maybe another 3, maybe another 2, or maybe just another 1, I told my boyfriend I wanted 5 and 2 could be adopted... I liked being pregnant and I like being a mommy, but we haven't decided when we'll have another, I have to wait two years anyway because the cesarean.

I found this nice poem and pasted a piece of it:

Fresh leaves change someone's life
each minute one more is born
to face the beginning of a sun
and lighting the way of this bloom.
Making plans for a white angel
the future is a ray of light in spring.

Our everyday life is a bloom
waiting for the first year of an angel
we can't wait for the next spring,
to celebrate a just born child under the sun.
(http://gamaspoetry.blogspot.com/2005/04/poem-children-of-spring.html)