To My Peanut

The start of a Blog, the start of a new life

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Second pregnancy

I wrote this blog below the day before yesterday, but it was only as "therapy" for myself, seeing as I now know the outcome of the story I will change it a bit and post it.

Here is my experience...

I've always wanted loads of children and always imagined having a bunch of them running around, but things don't always go as we want and sometimes we just gotta accept it. While I was pregnant with Kayla, near the end of the pregnancy, I got Preeclampsia, which at the time I had heard a bit about it and had read a little too, but didn't get too deep in anything concerning it. Even when I was admitted to the hospital for a few days stay before inducing labour, no doctors neither nurses would explain to me what exactly was going on and how bad it was. Except for a cousin of my grandmother who went to visit me, a neurologist, who told me what I had. I knew it was something serious, but sort of put it at the back of my mind.

After Kayla came out, I said I didn't want anymore, no more children!!! I felt this way because the stay at the hospital so far wasn't too pleasant, birth pains from the cesarean, unfriendly nurses, not too much info about my condition... When I left the hospital, swollen all over from the preeclampsia and high blood pressure I read a little more about it, the successful and unsuccessful stories. It's something no one knows how and why it starts, but it can develop over a period of time or come suddenly, it can also be deadly to mother and child.

I must say that if it were just up to me, I would have already tried for another child long ago, but I think it was good we didn't try sooner and maybe we should not have tried yet, who knows. Anyway, the preeclamspia is always a worry in my mind for the next child, I've read that if a person has had it before they are most likely to have it again, but it doesn't mean the person WILL have it again. My mom had it at the end of her pregnancy with my brother, but not for me and my sister... So that gives me hope that I won't get it again...

If that wasn't enough to worry about, recently finding out I was pregnant and excited to have the baby start growing and showing and moving about inside, I was so happy! Then at 6 weeks, I'm at work and go to the toilet before having lunch at my desk, which I hadn't done in a while, I see blood gushing out from inside and start to panic. Sorry if this is too graphic, if it is then don't read any further. I immediately tell my Team Leader what's going on and that I'm going to the hospital, called my boyfriend and left my lunch on my desk, leaving whatever work I had left to finish after lunch.

At the hospital the doctors were friendly, I'm glad my doctor was there. With the scan they could see the sac, but couldn't see why I was bleeding. My doc told me it could be a threat of a miscarriage and that I had to go back to the hospital if the bleeding didn't stop after a few days. I had an appointment previously made for the following week which I was to go to to do tests, in the meantime I needed bed rest, BLEH!

Ok, bed rest! Well, I bled quite a bit, with it what looked like tissue too. I didn't go back to the hospital, seeing as the bleeding had lessened. I read about what the causes of bleeding could be, I was hopeful that it was not a miscarriage. I felt fine, had no pains. Kayla had diarrhea and vomiting and I got that from her during one night, but other than that I felt normal... Something I did notice before the bleeding started was that my breasts stopped growing and weren't tender anymore, which I mentioned to my boyfriend and said I was worried something was wrong. He said that if something was wrong then I'd be bleeding, and surely enough, the next day that is what happened...I was still hopeful, I read about women bleeding and still having healthy babies, also my aunt had bled her first 5 months of her third pregnancy, she only found out she was pregnant when she was at 2 months because she thought she was having her period. But I had to put it in my head that I might not be one of those success stories...

Yesterday's doctor's appointment didn't help find out anything, the doctor told me to show up this morning at the hospital for another scan and blood tests. So this morning, during the scan the doctor showed me the sac and pointed out that there was nothing left inside it, so yes, I had a miscarriage. Blood tests were made to be sure of it. The one thing that helped me forget a little about what had happened was thinking of Kayla and the things she does that make me laugh, I'm grateful to God for putting her in my life, I love her very much!!

I was really sad, still am, but God chose this way for a reason, or various reasons. It was not the time and surely this is an experience I, or should I say we had to go through. I like the saying: "What doesn't kill me will make me stronger". I accept what happened and although I'm nervous and terrified for the next time, I'm hopeful that the next time will go well. It’s just a "wait and see".

Doctor's order is to wait 3 months before trying again, my body has to recover. She says that these things usually happen because the baby isn't developing properly. She also said that it was best now rather than later on, which I myself had also said before.

I am very sad, but I will survive!! This is one more page in my history, there are many more to come (God willing).

I want to thank all my family, friends and colleagues for the kind words they gave me, it is all appreciated and wholeheartedly welcome.

A very special thanks to Orlando and my mom for the care they gave me during this time.

I also want to apologize to Orlando for my mood swings, sorry about the grumpiness at times, I know I'm not the only one who suffered a loss.